I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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