you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
