its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
