I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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