I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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