There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
