Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
