I think my vagina is haunted
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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