you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
