I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
