we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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