i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
