I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
