Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
