I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
