What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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