Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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