Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i came on her dog
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
