you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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