I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
