My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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