I can text with my tongue
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
