she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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