I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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