I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
