your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
