Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
