I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
