PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
