He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
