Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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