I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
