I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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