I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
