I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
