Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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