Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
