Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
