Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
