Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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