dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
