I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
