JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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