Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
