you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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