I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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