Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
