Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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