i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
