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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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