I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
