My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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